Tresses of Terror
by Professor Cassandra
Summary: When the Dark Lord comes to the startling revelation that he is bald, he ventures out on an epic quest to locate the perfect hairpiece to accentuate his malevolence.


Greetings. My name is Lord Voldemort, but you may know me better as "You-Know-Who", "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named", "The-Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live" (if you're a jerk), "Lord Moldy Shorts" (if you _want _to die), or "Lord Sexymort" (if you're Bellatrix).

Today I came to a rather startling and unfortunate realization as I gazed at my oh-so-evil reflection in my "mirror of doom", as I like to call it. I am bald. That's right. Bald. I know. I was just as shocked as I assume you are now. At that moment I knew that something had to be done about this…monstrosity…so I quickly acquired my new hybrid broomstick (I can't contribute to global warming, now can I?) and began my search for a competent wig merchant. I found one rather quickly.

Alas, there were many wigs there, although most of them did not suit the Dark Lord at all. Those imbecile wig makers! One day they will suffer a most painful death, but today was not the day. Today was the day to conceal my embarrassingly bare head, so I browsed, giving a good _Incendio_ to any wigs that failed to please me.

Soon, however, a certain black wig caught my eye. It was quite voluminous, and rather sexy, I might add. I placed it upon my marvelously evil head, and I must say I looked quite the rock star! Too much like a rock star, unfortunately. It was more than a bit similar to the hair of a certain legendary Muggle musician. I do not know his name, but I believe it rhymed with "pelvis" or something. Anyway, I didn't want to appear Muggle-ish, so this wig would never do. "_Incendio_," I said! Muahahahahaha!!

…Ahem, but I digress… Not long after the infernal "pelvis wig" met its untimely end, a new one, long and blond, caught my eye. You see, Lucius Malfoy, one of my more threatening servants (I mean, who isn't intimidated by a rich snob?), possesses hair not unlike this wig, and if it looked attractive on him, surely it would work wonders on his master! I immediately snatched up the wig and placed it upon my head, then gazed at my reflection in one of the few mirrors I had yet to explode. I don't often say this, being the manly lord of darkness that I am, but I looked FABULOUS! Perhaps the maker of this particular wig was not such an imbecile after all. In fact, he deserved to be rewarded. I planned to give him a quick and painless death to show my gratitude… At least, before I noticed the label, which read "Hannah Montana".

"HANNAH MONTANA?!" I roared, burning it viciously with _Incendio. _As if the Dark Lord Voldemort would ever wear something so ridiculous as a Hannah Montana wig! I have no time for such juvenile… Oh crap, I forgot to TiVo it- Um, I mean, so I can criticize it and curse the screen in fury!! Whew, close call. So, anyways…

Having searched the blasted store for over a blasted hour, I started to get rather discouraged. "Blast," I thought. But, then I saw it. The most frightening wig I have ever seen in my immortal life. It was a flaming red color (which would intimidate anyone), and it was spherical and enormous. I asked a sales clerk what it was called, and she referred to it as an "afro", but I found that name quite boring and not malevolent at all, so I chose instead to call it "The Flaming Red Enormous Spherical Hairdo of Evil"!!

I walked out of the store wearing my new wig, without paying for it, of course (dang, I'm so evil it scares me sometimes). I then proceeded to walk menacingly down the street, filling the hearts of all who set unfortunate eyes upon me with fear, but what I found astonished me. No one was screaming in terror. In fact, they were pointing and laughing at me. ME! Shocked, aren't you? Indeed, so was I. I mean, what was the problem with these people? Did I have a zit on my nose or something? I should say NOT!

Suddenly, it hit me. It wasn't a zit. It was my hair. For some odd reason, these people gazed upon my terrifying locks of terror and LAUGHED! The only reason for this that I could contemplate was that I simply wasn't evil enough to pull off such a hairstyle. It was clear to me then - I needed to become more evil! If I didn't, no one would take me seriously in a wig that simply radiates total, honest-to-badness wickedness!

Perhaps, until I can deem myself worthy of such a 'do, bald really is beautiful- I mean- devious. Whew, close call again… Some day, though, I will be worthy, the wig shall be mine, and all will fear me!! I do believe I'll start by murdering a couple of people. Yes…and because the story is over and there is no need for you now…_Avada Kedavra_!


End file.
